Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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