If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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