im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
