My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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