; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I party with great urgency now.
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