Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
