I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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