my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
