There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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