did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
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