I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
