cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
