I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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