This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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