I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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