I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
