Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Randomize
