It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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