just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
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