I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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