Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
