I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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