Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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