My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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