I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
