I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
