Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I didn't notice because vodka
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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