when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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