Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
