just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
