Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
