her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
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