I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
