Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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