so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
