the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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