at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
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