I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
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