We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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