My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
