I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you will always have a special place in my vag
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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