Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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