it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
