Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Randomize
