"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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