he wants to bone in the snuggie
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
