Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
