I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
We're too hungover to prance.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
