can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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