morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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